The first step is admitting the truth that I am spiritually stagnant. No longer can I say that the fount of living water is the source with which my life is nourished. Things have been put in order, plans have been in the making, service has been rendered and time has been made for all these things and more, but the realization is that my life has been filled more with self-seeking than anything else. Though there has been truth-seeking and though there is still the quest for beauty, yet I find, of late, that these are as hollow shells if I make them the object. (‘Object‘ may be understood as that which I throw myself towards.) In both work and leisure, I have lost sight of what I truly should be seeking, and so the whole does not cohere.
Much as my instinct is to trace factors and indications, an examination of the present seems more profitable at the moment. I have been lacking in compassion and demonstrating the opposite of humility. There is a lack of compassion whenever I see a need or hurt and either dismiss it or distance myself, whether through sarcasm or levity, because I do not want the trouble. The flip side is not looking for or stirring up trouble, but I’ve been erring on the side of caution lately. I have demonstrated the opposite of humility when faced with a task I feel less than committed towards, in which case I seek to wrap it up quickly with little consideration for other stakeholders, or attempt to coast along while expending minimum effort.
‘Try harder,’ might be one conclusion, but it is that compulsion that I’ve been trying to shake off recently: it has caused me no shortage of grief. However, try harder I must, but differently, in love and in the spirit.
