Don’t Lose Faith

The Bible tells us that God provides. In many places, we read of the abundance of His blessings, but at the same time our pastors constantly remind us that He only promises that His grace is ’sufficient’.* This paradox of abundance and necessity is part of a philosophy of which faith is the center.

What is faith, really? At the end of the day, it is knowing that you have enough to get by, no matter what, and that you’re always better off than you were the moment before, although I concede that this would be more apparent if it was possible for us to look at things from somewhere a little bit ahead in time.

So, the man of faith has enough to reach the end of the day. But at the end of the day, the man of faith also feels abundantly grateful. It could just be the fact that he wasn’t thinking of this day the day before, or on that day years in the past, but yet he is struck by the realization that he is where he is. And yet, when the day started, the only knowledge he had been holding on to was that he had enough to reach the end. Now that he’s there, though, he feels positively rich.

I guess you must be thinking that he probably had a pretty awesome day, but, honestly, I write without knowing what kind of day he had, because it really doesn’t matter. That’s just what faith does. Having faith is knowing that you’ll have enough to get by, even if at some point you’re in deep shit, but it is also being able to pause and breathe out whenever you have the chance or the luxury (usually when you’re out of the shit, or at the bottom of the tank) and feel as though you got so much more than you bargained for when you started. It’s an abundance that’s available at any moment, and isn’t having something whenever you could want it what abundance essentially is?

So we know that the man of faith has a pretty awesome life. For ‘ordinary folks’, though, I think this is what it looks like to us:

I just got through a shit day. Kinda like the other ones I’ve been having for… a while. I don’t think about it. But I survived and Ima go sleep.

And a few days/weeks/months later:

Woohoo! This is awesome!

Which is somehow enough for us to go on for another round of:

I just got through a shit day. Kinda like the other ones I’ve been having for… a while. But now Ima go sleep.

And so on and so forth. And we always forget the million tiny little things along the way that keep us going too.

Then there are the rare times when you’re just sitting back and thinking:

I’m where I am, which is where I should be, and where I suppose I wanted to be, even if I didn’t even think about it. But I’m here, which is good enough, good beyond all my dreams.

And where am I now? I suppose I’m just going on.

Before I do go on, though, there’s something I really want to say. Listen up: Don’t lose faith.

*: About that, I think their reminders are sadly necessary in a society that tells us we should chase after gold and elixirs of life, and in a situation where even professed Christians take up the call and tell us that it is even right to hanker after them. But deep down we all have the good sense to know better.

 

Sure Mercies

I started reading the book of Samuel during my QT several weeks ago. Since that time, I’ve mentioned to quite a number of people how much I’ve been blessed by the experience. My Bible reading had been foundering before I started on I Samuel, but once I did, I was getting through three or four chapters a day with ease, and often read more. It wasn’t that I was being particularly industrious as much as it was that I was carried along by the narrative sweep of the great book. 

I was inspired as I read about David’s extraordinary relationship with God and the awesome things God did in his life. Throughout all the turmoil and amid the bloody vendettas, it was God’s love for David and David’s heart for God that endured. When I realized this, I was left slightly incredulous about how, having actually read through the book before, I could have missed this. Granted, I had been reading rather quickly, but the theme now seems so evident and striking that I still wonder how I could have found the book merely interesting. 

I was also struck by  how David the person became so very real. The images of David that persisted in my awareness included the image of David as the youthful, lute-playing shepherd (who slew Goliath) and the image of David the regal king. I had not wondered about or seriously considered what happened in between, despite how the sorrows and trials he experienced would have shaped him. We can understand and attempt to relate to the Psalm about the torment David experienced as a result of his sin against Uriah, but we do not connect it to David the man who lived a life like we have been given. 

His sufferings were not merely emotional or ’spiritual’ either. For example, although we credit David’s military victories to God almost reflexively, we so often overlook how much of a warrior he was. When Absalom usurped the throne, what his advisors were wary of and counselled him against was his father’s martial prowess and his abilities as a military leader. Life in the army sometimes prompts me to look for parallels, one occasion being when I thought, ‘How did David and his army feel when they pursued and eventually overtook the troop of Amalekites?’ (link) during my 30-klick route march at the end of BSLC. Even through the lens of my own limited experience, thinking about such things drives home the reality of David’s experience. Not just David, but Jonathan and Saul and Samuel were made as real as the characters in the works of literature that are called great (the difference being that the ‘reality’ of the latter characters is simulated). 

Although here I’ve written about the low points in David’s life, the image that continues to persist for most is one of David victorious and honored by God. During one Sunday morning prayer meeting a few weeks ago, I talked about how mind-blowing it was that the Bible tells us that through Christ, our relationship with God is like unto David’s (link). The implication of that is so great that I can’t help but think we so often take our salvation and our relationship with God too lightly. It is not merely some form of emotional support or moral reference point. God’s infinite grace is open to us, if only we would let Him do His work in our lives. Do we long for God as much as David did? If we don’t, perhaps it’s because we don’t know God well enough. 

If you haven’t yet had the opportunity or motivation to take a good, long look at I and II Samuel and some of I Kings, I suggest you find it and go read. (I stopped at where Solomon’s reign was ending, and where the long descent of the kingdom begins.) If you want to experience what it means to thirst and hunger for God and to feel the pain when our sin interferes with that relationship, thinking about David’s life is a good place to start.

 

Provocation

On the glass wall of the church office, a number of colorful paper butterflies arranged within the outline of a crown were displayed in an area carefully bordered with tape, presumably for the perusal of the students of and visitors to this good Christian school. Each butterfly carried a message, often a hastily scrawled one, about what it meant to have new life. It was Easter. 

One such scrawled message: ‘I’m still searching for it,’ stood out, for several reasons. Among the short, snappy cliches and the oh-so-meaningful mini-epics around it, the message seemed heartfelt. I actually laughed at it at first, almost reflexively, because of the existential angst I could easily imagine it being wrung out of, angst being something my teenage broodings were marked with. My teenage years are almost over, but I haven’t yet grown out of my self-conscious reflexes. 

‘I’m still searching for it,’ is also one of those declarations regularly rehashed in television and in other media popularizing a kind of resolute inconclusiveness. It would just have seemed trite if it hadn’t been swimming in chicken soup, but, because of either the context or the stress I could imagine it being wrung from, I thought it was sincere, and hours later, it got me thinking. 

I think one of the things I realized was that I had drifted into a kind of complacency with regards to my own new life. I think I assumed that if I had asked myself what my new life was, I would have had a good answer. I did have the shape of an answer in mind at the time, something to do with truth and freedom and the realization that in an uncertain world we are only beginning to know where we stand, but, as you can see, it is still barely the shape of an answer. 

The next thing I realized was that whoever it was that wrote the note was writing from somewhere I haven’t totally left either. I still think about life and meaning, even if I wouldn’t say I was still searching for new life. I realized that if I had felt or affected some kind of jaded cynicism at the point in time I glanced at the mass of notes on display, the feeling or attitude wasn’t something that I could be comfortable with having. I think complacency describes the state I was in on this level as well. 

I suppose that scrawled note was the start to what could be called a change of heart.

 

On Determinism and Altruism

The room I am in now would be seeming like a prison to me, if not for the knowledge that I chose to be here. That decision, the possible motivations for it, and the responses to it are the things I will attempt to examine. 

The context: An acquaintance is about to suffer a fate undeserved, and we have both become aware of it. We also know that this consequence was caused, whether intentionally or unintentionally, of this we are unsure, by our mutual acquaintances. Neither we nor our mutual acquaintances are able to prevent the consequence from occuring. However, I am able to bear the consequence on the behalf of my acquaintance; our mutual acquaintances are unable to do the same. There are still others who are similarly able to bear the consequence if they so chose or if they were aware of the situation. You will probably have to read this paragraph twice, but basically the parties involved are: myself, my acquaintance, our mutual acquaintances, and the others. I volunteered.

(I have presented the situation as skeletally as I could in order to imply as little as possible, if only because I myself am unsure of my own motivations and am hence reluctant to be accountable for anything I may have unconsciously embedded.)

This is the kind of decision that can only be made quickly. If I had stopped to consider it, either self-interest or self-consciousness would have delayed me enough to have prevented me. Any calculations made would have been irrelevant, because there were no upsides to be had, or at least, none that I would consider genuine or worthwhile. 

Given that the decision made would only benefit another at a cost to me, the act could be called altruistic, although here I am thinking mainly in economic terms. Altruism in economics is an anomaly, because the otherwise all-pervasive weighing of incentives and costs does not apply, although what often happens is, abstract benefits are substituted in the absence of apparent ones in order to justify an otherwise inconsistent outcome. However, I think altruism is something that is necessarily individual, if only because altruism en masse would have no nett effect; it would probably be unwise to examine something so specific to the individual through the wide lens of economics.

So, economics aside, what can I say about altruism? I think a truly altruistic act has no incentive aside from the other person’s happiness, in which case, the ability to empathize is a prerequisite. I did experience a sort of warm glow from the time the decision was made, but this feeling wasn’t dissolved by the skeptical looks I got; on the other hand, it wasn’t made more substantial by the complimentary comments or expressions of admiration, either. This gives me reason to believe that the satisfaction experienced was not on my own behalf, becasue if it had been I think I would have been affected more by the responses I received. As to the question of why I did what I did, if it was something altruistic, then the ‘motivation’ would be what I mentioned earlier, namely the other person’s happiness. 

I also mentioned earlier that this was the kind of decision that had to be made quickly, and I think another aspect to an altruistic act I should consider is whether it has to be something spontaneous, or at least relatively uncalculated. The word ‘altruism’  has connotations of moral virtue, for example, putting someone else’s concerns ahead of one’s own is considered virtuous or commendable in any moral system I can think of; this kind of attitude is generally called unselfishness, and an altruistic act would be an example of unselfish behaviour. However, if achieving merit in moral terms is an objective in doing something, would the act still be altruistic? I think if it were in itself motivation enough to do something, the act would not be altruistic, because ‘gaining merit’ could easily be enough of an incnetive to bear a cost, based on the individual’s level of delusion. People are perfectly able to deceive themselves about their satisfcation from something if they so will, but I think an act performed under this kind illusion should not be considered altruistic, because the perceived benefits for one’s self are sufficiently attractive that the other person’s happines need not be a reason for action. An altruistic act, then, would necessitate an uncommon measure of lucidity on the part of the person involved, and this is precisely why I think there is some element of spontaneity in the decision to do something altruistic, because for the person who is relatively free from illusions and self-deception, the decision would never be the calculated answer, and if it were taken, it would be an exception, never matter-of-course. 

This leads on to another interesting possibility to consider: perhapse acts of altruism are motivated by an urge to exert our wills upon a situation. I think one reason why natural disasters stun is that the mind rebels against the lack of any apparent cause or proportion in the seeming judgment the victims receive. In the situation described, the unfortunate acquaintance was a random victim, so perhaps what I may have sensed was an opportunity to impose some measure of order in what would otherwise have been complete disorder. A choice was made where there would otherwise only have been an absence of one. 

I suppose I should also mention that I’ve wondered if, perhaps, I just desperately wanted a conundrum to complicate.

 

Love and Thanksgiving

Neither my mother or my father were loved very much as children. My father was adopted, and his foster parents weren’t exactly wonderful. My mother was the fourth girl child in a traditional Chinese family. My grandmother hadn’t had a son yet. 

At this stage in my life I think I’ve given up on trying to love my grandparents like how I love my parents. They may have been nice to me, or even just civil to me, but my friends have done as much or better; one exception is my maternal grandmother looking after me when I was young. I guess, perhaps, I can’t say I don’t want to love her. If I don’t, it’s because of how she’s treated my mother. But this post isn’t about my grandparents. 

It is a miracle how my parents have been able to love my sister and I as they never were loved as children. It’s something that I’m intensely grateful for. Despite the pain they cause their children when they just can’t find it in themselves to love each other, I thank God for the miracle of the love that they have managed to show us. If God ever blesses me with a wife and children, I have no excuse for not being able to love them like God would want me to. I pray that, through God’s grace, I will love as He has loved. I thank God for my parents, and I pray for their relationship. I pray that I will not stop caring when I know God wouldn’t want me to, even when it hurts so much to continue caring; I pray that I will pray. I pray for my father’s soul. I thank God that my mother has come to know Him, and that my sister and I have in turn come to know Him. I thank God.

 

Approaches, Practicality.

Last Sunday, we looked at Chapter 9 of Corinthians during YG. The focus was the primacy of God, and making Him our priority. But honestly, I didn’t think the method of referring to numerous ’scriptural proofs’, often of verse length, brought it out very well, insofar as the verses are scattered and often talked about in insufficient depth. Also, the focus was unsuitable for that approach for one particular reason, that it would hardly be unreasonable to posit that what one takes away from studying the scriptures in any depth is the sense of God’s supremacy. Taken to the extreme, the implication of this idea is that all of scripture would function as a ’scriptural proof’. Of course, this is a simplistic generalization, but it illustrates the dilemma of having to select ’scriptural proofs’ from a vast body of scripture. The choices in themselves would be hard to justify. The way I see it, a much more effective approach would be to look at perhaps one or two ’scriptural proofs’ in depth and in context. The study would be much more meaningful. 

Something else that was attempted was to relate the verses to everyday life and experience. This is, in itself, nothing reproachable, but in my experience, such attempts often produce only superficial, or even doubtful, relations. In my experience this occurs equally often whether or not it is a pastor or a group leader or a counsellor making the attempt. A friend once commented about the proliferation of sermons with subjects like ‘How to manage your finances’. Sermons like these tend to have a few problems. For one, titles like the example appeal to the audience on the basis of their interest in the stated subject. If the objective is to then get the person interested in other things, well, it doesn’t work very well. Interest is difficult to direct, or redirect. In fact, I think directing is even more difficult than attracting and sustaining. Why not focus on that instead? The word ‘redirecting’ itself a measure of unnecessary convolution. Another question to consider is whether and in what way we should be ‘applying’ scripture to our problems. ‘Our problems’ have the tendency of limiting our perspective, and subjecting other things to it. I suppose the thing to keep in mind is that we shouldn’t be looking for ourselves in scripture. I’ve found myself in it, but not by looking. (Oh no: Siddhartha.) It happens when I’m looking for truth (is God is truth), which is most often humbling. 

I suppose a lot of the above stems from some kind of frustration.

 

O, Faithless Man!

I have been backsliding quite spectacularly these past 2 weeks. I’ve pretty much allowed Music IAs and IOC to dominate my life for the past week-and-a-half. My Bible reading and prayer have pretty much gone out the window. I’ve been spiritually starved, and my spiritual weakness has manifested itself quite clearly in how I’ve been sinning.

As yet, I don’t think I have readers here, so if, some day, someone stumbles across this post, then I ask that you overlook my indiscretion in recording my prayer in written form here:

Father in heaven, I ask Your forgiveness for my sins and for my lack of commitment to seeking Your will. There are many things I’ve asked You for in the recent past, just a week or so ago, but I have been far from constant in pleading for them. Lord, I admit I have strayed far from what You have called me to do, and that I have not shown Your love and lived it out. But now I must once again plead with You for the soul You had burdened me to pray for. I could never love him as much as You do, and right now I pray that You touch his soul and bring him to You. Forgive me for ever assuming, even unconsciously, that I might be able to influence something as great as the soul You have created.

I also pray that I will once again be faithful in observing what You have commanded me to. I pray that I will seek to accomplish those things in Your strength, rather than lose sight of You and attempt to do it in my own. I thank You that You are able to forgive, and that Your love for me is so immense, even though I am such a thoroughly flawed and proud and often rebellious creature, and I ask for Your forgiveness acknowledging that I am weak. Who am I to claim that I have repented when my heart is so deceitful? I pray that You change that heart in me. I surrender it to You. I pray these things in the name of Your Son, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Moving on, in a mode more typical of what the title of this blog dictates:

For the past few weeks, we’ve been watching the ‘Full Flame’ series featuring Reinhad Bonnke, an evangelist. While I do admire the man, and while I do agree very much with the messages he presents,  I was less enthusiastic about the mode of presentation. The video itself used the word ‘cinematic’ in its self-description. I suppose the idea is that it is supposed to help communication, and while I understand the rationale behind that, I guess I fundamentally disagree about tailoring the mode of presentation to suit an audience that would otherwise find it hard to pay attention, or bother. Granted, the mode of presentation was clear and I suppose it would help some to understand, but I have to admit I was feeling quite impatient through all those long panoramic shots and dramatized metaphors.

The message today was from the book of Exodus, about Joseph in Egypt and the idea that repentance and forgiveness are two sides of the same coin. That’s about all I remember. Today was also SG emphasis day. I clearly remember one discussion from YG meeting, about assurance of salvation. The passage Ali referred to was from the Sermon on the Mount. It’s a challenging idea to think about, and the really funny thing is that when you do finally think it through, you realize that just thinking it through isn’t an option at all: the consequences have to be realized. After meeting, some of us had lunch at KFC at Clementi. The book of Job was mentioned. It was a book that made a very deep impression on me when I read it early last year. I don’t think I’ll elaborate here though.

Here’s to hoping that I’ll write here again next week!

 

Relentless

I am not often moved or excited by others’ thoughts or realizations about anything, especially when said thoughts or realizations are prepared and presented, in the form of books or in any media at all. (I suspect I’m terminally suspicious of epiphanies, but, really, I can’t be sure.) One of the avenues I least expect a sledgehammerish realization to come from is religion, probably because in my experience, religiosity is most often something tiresome, insipid or hypocritical. I suppose that phenomenon, in itself, promotes skepticism rather than faith. There are uncommon exceptions.

But almost never have I been as thoroughly moved and comforted as I have been by these words I’ve read:

‘It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him.’ – C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity

‘It’ is God’s love for us. I think the words hit me so hard because my relationship with God has been beset (I am unable to be much more specific because it’s been an all-around kinda thing) for quite a long time now. From the time I admitted it to myself, it’s been a struggle, in every sense of the word, because of how far the spiritual rot went. I think the struggle wore me out without me even being very aware of it, because, right now, I’m feeling wholly and utterly refreshed. I thank God.

 

Evanglism 101

Evangelism was the topic for discussion on Sunday. The YG is planning to start the Youth Alpha Course, and I suppose the discussion was an opportunity for us to ask questions about anything that might be an obstacle for us in inviting our unsaved friends.

We broke up into small groups for discussion, so Paul Amy and I talked about our experiences in the area of evangelism. There were quite a few things that seemed to be common to our experiences. None of us were especially outspoken about our faith, for instance. As for myself, I spoke about how I had known some of my unsaved friends for many years, and about some of the reasons for their unwillingness to look to religion for answers. (No matter how much some Christians may insist that Christianity is not a Religion, it… is.) I also shared a little bit about my father, who is not a Christian. I spoke about some other things I can’t qutie recall now. But I do remember listening to Paul and Amy share, and I remember finding several concerns and experiences we shared. After the small group sharings, the group went through some Common Misconceptions about evangelism. (Everything from introversion, lifestyle evangelism and lack of technological grounding.) At the end of it, I didn’t really feel like I gained new understanding because lack of understanding really isn’t my problem. I found the small group sharing fruitful because it was an opportunity for me to examine myself, and also to relate to other people’s experiences. Evangelism is not something I talk about often, probably because it isn’t high on my list of priorities.

The priority thing is one of the problems I have, but my fundamental problem hasn’t changed. Evanglism is the Spirit’s work, and I have not been a vessel my God can use.

 

Long Absence

It’s been a very long time since the previous (also the first) update. I’ve been away to band camp, band tour, and I missed youth group on my first Sunday back at church. (Bad boy, Derek.)

This week Eric Lee came back. He has grown very much. He also looks happier than when he left, but I can’t be sure because I don’t really know him all that well.

This week we had a very short YG meeting, so that people could go study. Funnily enough, three of us (Kenny, Mich and I) had papers on Monday, but we went for the post-meeting lunch at Holland V.

We watched a video during service. Reinhard Bonnke was presenting. I remember: ‘Humility is the doorwarden to your heart.’ I may have gotten the words slightly wrong, but that is what I remember. We were asked about what we thought about the video but it felt perfunctory. We also prayed for group members and other things.

I suppose the word ‘perfunctory’ might be revealing enough. I really have been backsliding. QT, language, work ethic, love for others, almost everything really.